[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
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I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.