My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.