Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
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I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.