You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
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Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Friends that check up on you >
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.