People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Flowers bee like
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter