When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
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After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.