genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard