Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Best table by far
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
TRAIN’S HERE
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
buying dead houseplants to save time
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
live, laugh, laundry.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.