I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
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My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
<- sleeps well with others
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this