My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
You Might Also Like
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry