A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Never forget.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Is this you?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing