Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook