Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
dutch so unserious
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase