How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees