Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently