I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
You Might Also Like
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
No regrets in 2018
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.