Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
When I can’t barge, I careen.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.