shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material