Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.