People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What