[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?