Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.