Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.