Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
You Might Also Like
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Mood.. 😂
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
good let them take over I have had enough
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that