I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.