Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t