son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Netflix: We have Less
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.