Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears