*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]