I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
it was love at first sight
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.