If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.