Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
December birthdays be like…
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks