Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
our love story in four pictures
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
somebody come look at this
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel