Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
You Might Also Like
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?