I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Inside you there are two wolves
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
mathematically impossible
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.