The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”