I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.