Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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Does this dress make me look cat?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m giving up for Lent.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.