Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
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Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Yes
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range