If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
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Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.