Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it