I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
LOOOOOOL
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
same energy
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand