kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.