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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
ACED my prostate exam!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.