A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.