I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
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Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.