Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.