Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?