I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
You Might Also Like
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
mom had nothing to worry about
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Guys, I found it.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.