guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
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it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush